Diary: Still just me

…there is no pause, no person to lean on. It’s just me.

Isn’t it amazing, the things that we think matter? I’m reminded recently (again) how so many things just stop becoming things that matter when something truly big happens. I’m also reminded recently just how perfect the lives we post look, even when real life can be messy and hard. I’ll be honest, life is messy and hard right now, really fucking hard. And I don’t even have the words or space to share it here quite yet, at least not until things resolve themselves. But in the in-between I have felt like I needed to speak to it. If for no other reason than to say, no, everything is NOT okay, and I’m having a really hard time of it lately.

Here’s the truth of it: I am strong, and I am resilient, but even so, I am only able to do this for so long before something breaks. Either the situation or me (and hopefully not the latter). The truth is it’s so much scarier and harder when you face things like this alone. Yes, I am strong, and resilient, and capable, but…BUT, I am also human, and it’s okay to feel this way. To feel lost, and like you just want to fall apart, even when life says, no, you can’t. Because there is no pause, no person to lean on. It’s just me. And I honestly never expected for it to still just…be me.

I definitely plan to write more soon, because this whole experience has left me craving the pen and paper. And I will…soon. But for tonight, I wanted to share this. Because at least some of the words needed to be said, and hopefully heard.

For those that know already, thank you for being there in this. It all, ALL means so much. And for those that don’t, it’s not personal, it’s just been a lot.

Here’s to next steps—to figuring what the hell that looks like—and continuing to live this amazing life I’ve created, even when it’s scary, in authenticity and vulnerability.

Love always,
me