Diary: 2019

2019

So much to look back on; yesterday and today I have had a lot of time to reflect on the past year. While it is so easy to focus on how hard this past year has been, I have intentionally been trying to focus on the good, because there truly was so much good in 2019.

I have jokingly referred to 2019 as the, “Year of Paris” because I was blessed to have been there twice last year; while it was definitely the highlight of my year, there were so many other amazing things that happened this past year: swimming in a pool full of sprinkles with my best friend at the Museum of Ice Cream in San Francisco; going on my first solo trip (my first time in Europe) to Paris...one of the cities I have always dreamed of going to.

This year I had butterflies again during a first kiss, I slow-danced on a first date, and for the first time in such a long time, I officially had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who made me feel so beautiful and so loved; I have never had someone look at me the way he did after our first kiss. And I got to hear the words “I love you” for the first time since my ex-husband.

I experienced some of the happiest and most beautiful moments of my adult life when we were together, but I also experienced some of the most painful moments in the months following our breakup (the fourth time I have had my heart break). But, in hindsight, as hard as that was, I feel so blessed to have had those moments—to hear someone say those words to me again, and to say them back. As wasted as my heart has sometimes felt after these four and a half years of love and heartbreak, I am grateful to have heard those words again.

The second half of the year has been harder than the first—full of months trying to navigate heartbreak, disappointment, depression, and the holidays alone—but I got through it all. The one bright spot by far was Thanksgiving spent in Kaua’i with family friends. It was definitely a bucket-list trip: I finally saw the Na Pali Coastline via Capt. Andy’s Sailing Tours, then I hiked a portion of the Kalalau trail to Hanakapiai Falls. Swimming in the pool beneath the falls was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

Overall, as hard as 2019 has been, I am overwhelmingly grateful.