Diary: To be clear

Photograph by Carmen Salazar Photography

I sometimes forget that what is so obvious to me, is, quite honestly, lost on others who just, frankly, don’t know me all that well, or who used to know me, but who really don’t anymore. I’d like to think, for those of you who have been following along in my journey these past five years, and who have been watching and listening, you got what I was trying to say yesterday. But I realized in reading some of the responses I was getting, maybe I wasn’t clear. I’d like to clear that up, for any of you who read yesterday’s post as me grieving the loss of my marriage. Let’s be clear on one thing right now: I grieved my marriage ending, five years ago. I am not anymore. I let him go, and it was the absolute best thing I could do, for him AND for me.

It has been quite the journey since then: finding ‘me’ again, in so many ways, and rediscovering who I was outside of my eleven-year marriage. But I am better and stronger for it. We honestly both are. Does that make the memory any less weird? No. But I didn’t share that because I was sad about him; I’m honestly more sad thinking about all of the loves I have had and lost since him. I have had some amazing, beautiful adventures since then, and even though my heart aches at times in the memories, I try to smile, too, because I got to have all of those amazing moments.

I have lived more in the past 5 years than in the previous eleven.

I’ve said it before, and it’s absolutely true: I have lived more in the past 5 years than in the previous eleven. Even though this wasn’t a turn I expected, I absolutely love the life I have created. I love the strong, resilient woman I see in this picture. And as hard as it is to imagine, especially in the middle of a global pandemic, I do still have hope to someday find love again. A big, life-changing kind of love. I know I’m certainly not willing to settle for anything less. So, here’s to that. To love, even if it means having to wait longer than I ever expected to for it.
In the meantime, I know that I am beautiful and I am worthy of that love. I will continue to learn how to practice self-love, and I will continue to grow and to keep my heart open for it. And know that I am ready for it.