F is for Finding Yourself Again
Do you remember what it was like? When you were a kid. The summers that felt like they were endless…carefree days when things were much simpler. I’m not saying growing up isn’t without its own set of problems, but I think that most of us can look back at a younger version of ourselves and miss that season of life. For me, I know that I can’t look back without it being bittersweet. But with that bitter, there is at least the sweet.
I remember me as the incredibly goofy kid who practically lived in stretch pants (the incredibly ‘fashionable’ kind with stirrups at the feet…yes, regrettably, that was a thing) and fantastically mismatched shirts from Goodwill, baggy sweatshirts, or some other combination of hand-me down clothing. Regardless of whether it was considered ‘fashionable’ or ‘cool,’ I remember I absolutely loved me…what I wore was just an extension of that; it honestly never even registered ‘til later when I was in high school that people could define you by the clothing you wore. I remember running down long hallways in high school, shoeless, so that when I stopped suddenly, mid-sprint, my socked feet would slide along the recently polished surface for what felt like forever (and what was probably just a few feet, looking back now)—and I remember the absolute sheer joy I felt in those moments; the laugh so hard your sides hurt kind of moments. I remember these moments now not wishing to be back there again, but to acknowledge and remember what it was like: to be that young, to feel that sheer joy, and what were some of the things that brought me so much happiness when things were so much simpler.
After my ex left I needed to remember—to remember that girl. Before the after…before the beginning…before him. I needed to find myself again, because the sad truth was that I wasn’t sure who that was anymore. So much of my identity had been wrapped up in being with my ex, my marriage. I think that if you give 100% of yourself towards your partner, your marriage, that it’s almost inevitable that it becomes a huge part of who you are and your identity. So I can’t look back and say, “Wow. I wish I hadn’t done that.” No, that’s not at all what I’m saying. What I am saying is that I lost a huge part of my identity when my ex left, when ‘we’ ended. We shared more than the same zip code, the same towels, etc. We shared our fears with each other, our hopes, and dreams for the future, our families, our friends (when you’ve been together that long it no longer becomes yours or mine, it becomes our family, our friends), and all of these things were broken when we split. Dreams that we had shared together since we had dated as teenagers now had to be let go of. I can’t begin to tell you how much that hurt.
Everything that had seemed certain a few months before, was now gone forever. Even though I didn’t know exactly what the future would look like, I had known that I would be facing it with him, and I knew we could get through it together. We had faced and gone through a lot together already: both my parents getting cancer (and surviving), jobs lost, a home lost, etc. My dream of having kids and raising them with this man…was gone. Not just that, but I then faced the possibility that, based on my age and how long it might take to find someone else again, I may never have the opportunity to have kids with someone. That is a much longer conversation that is really best saved for another day, but suffice it to say, a huge part of me felt like it had died that day, and in the coming days, with the realization of each dream that died with my marriage ending. So, I had to rediscover who I was now, and I wanted to remember who I was before. What were some of the things I remembered about myself that I loved; how can I get that carefree, happy-go-lucky, laugh out loud girl back?
With each new thing I was doing (and loving) in my life, I slowly found this new Sabrina. And no, she isn’t the same girl that she was before, but I think, in many ways, she’s actually better.
How did I find her? I started finding her again by rediscovering all the things that I had loved, as well as discovering some new things I loved doing. By doing them, I found they brought me back those feelings of sheer joy; and each time I did those things, I felt just a little bit happier. I was, without maybe realizing it at the time, finding my ‘new normal.’ With each new thing I was doing (and loving) in my life, I slowly found this new Sabrina. And no, she isn’t the same girl that she was before, but I think, in many ways, she’s actually better. As much as it has hurt (time and time again), I wouldn’t be the strong, resilient, beautiful woman I am today had I not experienced every moment of the past thirty-three years. As odd as this might sound, I definitely believe I would never be as complete or as whole a person had I not gone through my divorce. Going through that has forced me to grow in ways I could have never imagined; so, despite what happened not being something I had ever wanted to experience, I will always be grateful for having gone through it. I was forced to grow, to learn, and to have my life stretched in ways I could never have seen possible before. I know I haven’t arrived, but I’m also left with this overwhelming feeling that I can (for the first time) truly live my life intentionally, completely, honestly, and with absolutely no regrets. How can I not be grateful for that?
With all that said, in all of the changes I was going through in re-finding and re-defining myself, it was also important to not lose sight of the pieces of myself that I shouldn’t let go of—the good parts. My closest friends sat patiently by watching the transformation, but a few also gently reminded me to try to not lose sight of the girl they knew, deep down. I will confess that it has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn these past two years. Discovering “What is it that I want?”, ”What do I deserve?” and not accepting less than that. I am, by nature, a giver, so I give, and I give, and I give, and sadly most of the men I have met simply know how to take, giving little to nothing back. As hard as that has been I am proud of the fact that I am finally aware of this and now asking for what it is that I actually want and need. I am getting comfortable with being up front and honest about what I want, even if that means I lose that person in my life. I know that the right person will want those same things, and want to give them back.
Even almost two and a half years later I am still learning and I am still finding me. I think, in a way, we are all still finding ourselves, our entire lives…at least I hope so. I know that I want to always be continuing to learn and to grow in my life. If I could give someone heartfelt advice, based on what I’ve learned these past two years, on how to find yourself again, it would be this:
It’s okay to be selfish. This moment is about you. You have to put you first; no one else is going to do it for you. What do you want, today? What do you want your life to look like? What kind of people do you want to bring along on this new journey? (Choose carefully.) Don’t apologize for what it is you decide that you want. You don’t owe anyone anything. You are your own now. Embrace the beauty and liberating sense of freedom that comes with that. All you have to do is decide. So, decide. Then watch what happens next.
Be honest, always; with others and, most importantly, with yourself. You won’t do anyone any favors trying to be someone that you’re not, or telling them what you think they want to hear. So don’t. I’m not saying it’s always going to be easy, but I will say that it will always serve you well. In a world full of so many people who never truly learn how to be honest, if you can?…Well, you will attract those who will love your honesty, and who will be honest with you in kind. Life is too short to not be completely honest about who you are and what you want. Everyone else who isn’t is just wasting time—theirs and yours.
Be unapologetically you. I know you’re finding yourself again, but, deep down, you know what you want and what you’re comfortable with. Trust your gut and your intuition…if something doesn’t feel right, say no. If someone wants you to change, and it isn’t what you think is right for you, say no. You shouldn’t feel you have to change to be with someone. Granted, there are some changes you may want to make in your own life, but it should be a red flag if you start something with someone and they don’t like and/or want you to change something that is fundamentally “you.” You are unique and amazing…even in your imperfections, you are imperfectly you. Don’t ever feel like you have to change who you are just to be with someone. That person isn’t right for you. It is so true, as Stephen Chbosky put so well in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I know it’s going to take time if you’ve never experienced that before, but trust that it will happen. You do deserve more. You deserve the best. Don’t accept anything less.
Never stop loving you. I know all too well what it is to have self doubts. But through all of it, don’t ever doubt that you are deserving of love. I know that someone who claimed to have loved you has left, and how much that hurts. But don’t for a second doubt that you are deserving of love. You are. And one day, you will have it again. Until then, keep loving you. Take this moment to give yourself all the love that you truly deserve. Buy yourself those flowers you love each week (guys: find your own equivalent here). Take yourself to that concert or movie you are dying to go to. Learn to have a relationship with yourself. Here is the hard truth: You will never be able to accept the love of another ‘til you have learned how to love yourself. I know that you know this, but I’m saying it because you need to truly get it. I want for you to experience that kind of love. I want it so much it hurts. Don’t settle for anything less in life. Please.
So, I’m still finding myself…but I’m incredibly proud of the woman I have seen walk away thus far. She is so much more today than I could have ever hoped for or imagined two years ago. Even if I still feel there’s so much more for me to learn, to grow in, I’m still proud as hell of the strong, resilient, and happy woman I am today. I’m only excited to see what's next for me. No matter where I end up in this incredible journey that is life, I can see the woman as a whole now, and not just as a half anymore, and I know she’s going to be just fine. More than fine. She’s going to do big and amazing things. Because she can, and she will. I just know it.