Dear you,
"Life and love isn’t always, or ever, that black and white. And, maybe, instead…there is gray. I have found myself living in the gray—the unexpected, recently, and I don’t know how else to really speak to it. Other than to say, that life is never what you expect it to be. But it is here. Now, and now, and now. And while I may not have the life I, or others, ever expected, it is a fully lived life."
Diary: In the midst of COVID, there is still this
"It’s been five years. Five years since my ex-husband told me it was over and that he was leaving (for someone else).
I sometimes forget this story is new to some; I am personally so tired of this story that I forget that many don’t know it. I find this weekend is always a painful reminder of that story, but it’s also been a painful reminder of so many other endings since."
Love is a Four-Letter Word
"Somehow, in loving me, I found that I could love again. I hope that someday, when the timing is right, I will meet someone who is ready, and who’s heart is open to receive this love; but, until then, I am happy and content knowing that I have found everything I need, right here."
B is for Birthdays
"Birthdays were my favorite growing up. Right in the middle of the summer, I remember feeling lucky; I never had to go to school on my birthday, and since summer was my favorite season, I loved that my birthday fell when it did. I suppose we all have fond memories of summer break growing up, but I remember my birthday being particularly special. I know that’s one of the reasons why I have kept a fondness for my birthday, all these years later, when it seems so many of my generation would prefer to have little to no fanfare, or wish they could skip the whole birthday bit entirely. Not me. grins I know, for me, birthdays will always be a big deal."
E is for Erasers
"I think it’s important to recognize that erasers aren’t perfect. Even the fancy kind I had in the fifth grade. There were always remnants left behind—faint, but the marks were still there if you looked closely. No amount of erasing could remove it all completely (believe me, I tried). I believe it’s the same exact concept with erasing people and relationships. I don’t care if you’re writing in pencil or in pen, there are going to be marks left behind."
F is for Falling
“The guy is supposed to get the girl. There may or not be a chase, but both of you know when you’re ready to stop running. …Your heart catches in your throat, and you stop seeing anyone else...because you only have eyes for them. You allow yourself to fall, because you feel absolutely sure in your heart...sure that you’ve found that person.”
B is for the Broken Ones
“I believe that in the mending we are left with cracks. A place on our hearts where we are left forever altered. Something about that person: a look, an expression, a memory that you’ll never be able to forget.
…Your cracks, or your scars, they are what make you infinitely more beautiful. You have lived and you have tried. Do not be ashamed of your scars. But don’t allow their existence to keep you from moving on—from living, either.“
G is for Getting Comfortable Being Alone
"I say it’s hard writing about this because, the truth is—I struggle. I struggle with knowing I am making the right decisions. I struggle with relationships and dating. I struggle with letting people go. And I seriously struggle with being alone, just me. No boyfriend, no potentials, no one I’m even talking to, nada. So this post is about a current struggle for me. G is for “Getting comfortable being alone.”"
F is for Finding Yourself Again
“As much as it has hurt (time and time again), I wouldn’t be the strong, resilient, beautiful woman I am today had I not experienced every moment of the past thirty-three years. As odd as this might sound, I definitely believe I would never be as complete or as whole a person had I not gone through my divorce. Going through that has forced me to grow in ways I could have never imagined; so, despite what happened not being something I had ever wanted to experience, I will always be grateful for having gone through it.”
H is for Hurt
“Hurt. Heartbreak. Heal. I wish it were that easy. As easy as taking a misstep and falling down; granted, it hurts (sometimes like hell), but you can get back up, brush yourself off, and move on. Sometimes, when it comes to matters of the heart, however, it’s just not that easy. It may be that simple, but it is never seemingly that simple or ever easy. At least not for me…”
D is for Divorce
“So, I let him go...and it was the best thing I could have done for me. Am I saying it is the right thing for you, for everyone? No. Absolutely not. I don't know your situation, life story, or what’s right for you. …no one else really knows what goes on in a marriage save for those two people. It is also no one else's business… But, I can speak for mine; I can say this, unequivocally: we—existing as husband and wife—needed to end.”
Here it is...this is my truth.
"To tell you the truth, this isn't what I wanted. Not really. I didn't want or expect my marriage to end, but it did, just the same. Then again, I don't think anyone grows up wanting to be divorced someday, and yet, here we are. And I know I'm not the only one, sorting through the pieces of a life "after." "After" the marriage. "After..." A life that's just not quite the same."