This is 40, Dear A.
“I intend to continue to live a very big life. Even if I don’t exactly know what that life will look like, I know it will be one full of love, of belonging, and many, many adventures. I know this because I finally know me. And that is the life I plan on living.”
Coming Back Up for Air
“…the reason is because I didn’t know how to. All I knew how to do was feel—all the raw emotions, hoping that at one point it would stop or I would have someone (new) to help me forget the hurt and pain the last person caused me. I think it’s only now, in the absence of chaos and distractions, that I’ve been forced to face it: the grieving of a relationship. And processing all of it—the good, the bad, what you need to take away from it, and what you need to truly, finally, let that person go, for good.”
The “In-between” Space
“All that said, this is still hard. And it takes a toll as I am, “wired for belonging and connection,” to quote Brené Brown. I still long for connection and love, so I am grieving someone, or the “what could have been” with this person. And as small as that is in the grand scheme, it feels like the moment I needed to finally share some of the things that have been weighing on my heart lately. “
Dear you,
"Life and love isn’t always, or ever, that black and white. And, maybe, instead…there is gray. I have found myself living in the gray—the unexpected, recently, and I don’t know how else to really speak to it. Other than to say, that life is never what you expect it to be. But it is here. Now, and now, and now. And while I may not have the life I, or others, ever expected, it is a fully lived life."
2019: The Year of Love, Love Lost, and Paris
"I cried because the man I fell in love with was proposing to someone else. I cried because he was, in every single way, exactly what I wanted—at least in that moment of my life. And even though I can look back on us and see just how much he didn’t deserve the love I had for him, it is irrelevant to the simple fact that I did...love him. I loved him in a way that I have never known before...connected with him in a way I had never known before. I cried because this hurt me—seeing this, as it should. But it was also necessary. I knew this was the moment I had to let it all go."
Diary: 3 Months
“Hard to believe it’s only been three months, and yet so much has happened in that time. …
May 1st I had something amazing happen, and I even allowed myself to have hope. …I have hoped for something like this for so long...and it really felt like a dream, while it lasted.”
Paris for One
"I feel like I have already been on this journey of self-discovery for the past three and a half years, but going to Paris? It felt like the last missing puzzle piece I have been looking for and didn’t even know that I was missing. The journey has been a long one, but the most important and rewarding of my life. It’s been my journey to truly find me—just me—outside of anyone else..."
Ready to try again
"As much as I hated to admit it, there it was: when he spoke, I heard his voice. The man I fell in love with."
Love is a Four-Letter Word
"Somehow, in loving me, I found that I could love again. I hope that someday, when the timing is right, I will meet someone who is ready, and who’s heart is open to receive this love; but, until then, I am happy and content knowing that I have found everything I need, right here."
Learning how to say Goodbye
“I am learning how to say goodbye. Not necessarily because I want to, but because I know I have to. I know that I have to put me first now, and that it means letting go of these people—from my life, from my thoughts. …It may not be overnight, but a day at a time, I am giving myself back to me…”
A is for Acceptance
"Acceptance. It is the only answer I have found that gives me any comfort whatsoever—in life, in relationships—acceptance of what has happened, and that there is nothing we can do to change it. The promotion or raise we didn’t get; the invitation we were expecting which never comes; the call or text you were hoping he would make, but you never receive; the man you fall in love with, who will never love you back. Acceptance. Even when it breaks your heart, accepting that this is the hand life has dealt you in this moment."
G is for Great Expectations
"Up until now, all of these expectations I have been describing are completely normal and a part of everyday life. What I have been struggling with lately is when does having expectations become a bad thing? When does having expectations ultimately hurt you?"