Diary: My Christmas Card

I’ve been looking at my feed lately and I’ve definitely noticed a lack of posts lately. And I realized why. I rarely post when I don’t have something positive to post about, or unless I’m in a really positive place. Tonight I’m sharing, despite all of that.

There are so many pretty posts, so many picture perfect Christmas cards, and I’m not knocking you if you shared one, but this is just not one of those. This picture is of me, after an entire Thanksgiving spent alone. I couldn’t bear to not have at least one picture captured of me, even if the day was spent completely alone. And tomorrow will be the same.

This is actually not the first Christmas I will have spent alone, but it’s not because I want to—I am consciously choosing this. And while I hate not seeing my older sister and brother tomorrow, I know this is safer. With all of that said, this time of year is really hard on me. It’s already primed to make me feel alone: being single, and then even more so with the COVID-19 pandemic, and the people I would normally turn to, to spend time with, less and less likely being willing to see me.

I say all of this as a reminder. A reminder that while we are all struggling in our own way this Christmas, there are some of us who may be struggling more than most. I know I am good at posting beautiful photos on my stories, and I’m always up to something, whether it’s off somewhere on an adventure, or cooking or baking something beautiful at home. But the truth is: I am struggling. This year has left me feeling completely at a loss. I am struggling with my job, with feeling connected with my friends...and don’t even get me started on dating. The amount of selfishness and bad behavior of men has yet to be matched by this year.

I say all of this because I want to normalize posts that aren’t happy, and that aren’t perfect. We are all struggling with something. Right now I am struggling with Christmas, with feeling forgotten by so many people, and with having to face another holiday alone. And, of course, with not having my person, even after wanting it and pursuing it as long as I have.

Despite all of that, I still have hope. And tonight, my hope is that you hold tight to the ones you love; may they know it.