Ready to try again

As much as I hated to admit it, there it was: when he spoke, I heard his voice. The man I fell in love with. No, it may not have been him sitting in front of me, but it could have just as well been him when I closed my eyes and heard him speaking. It was a hard realization for me; even after everything, hearing this man speak, and having it sound like him—it made my heart ache. And I realized how much I missed it. While I acknowledge I have no future with this man, despite falling in love with him, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have my moments, still. He was one of the loves of my life, and it did break me when that ended. But the reason I am writing about it now is the realization that, despite even our best intentions, how we truly are a product of our lived experiences. I will always have a “type” and a weakness for the men I have fallen in love with, thus far, but that also means I will naturally feel a certain way about a man who reminds me of one of them.

I recently started trying to date again—truly date again, so this has been top of mind for me lately. I honestly haven’t tried to do this in a year, now, so it’s been incredibly hard. Hard in that I have a hard time not overthinking it, not being in my head about it, but also, if I’m being honest, hard not comparing it to the first dates I had with the men I fell for along the way in my brief history of dating. I feel excited and hopeful, tying to date again, but I’m also incredibly hesitant and pessimistic because I feel dating is such a minefield. It can often feel like a battlefield with both sides having their defenses up because both know either side can hurt the other, with no warning, notice, or provocation, to potentially disappear in the blink of an eye. Suffice it to say that dating is not for the weak of heart or spirit. The only reason I am here, trying again, is because I truly feel ready; I want to find something real, and also because I feel strong enough to face the emotional minefield that is dating.

We are a product of all our lived experiences. I am my loves, my heartbreaks, and everything in between. I am who I am today because of all of that. So, while I would like to sit here and act like I am not affected by the men I have dated, the truth is that I am.

I had someone ask me today if I truly am ready to date again, and the truth is that I am, but it also doesn’t mean that I’m a blank slate going into that. The truth is that while I’m not looking to replace my ex, I am looking to find an amazing connection—the kind that I experienced with each of the men I fell in love with, so the bar is there, and it’s been set high; I cannot deny that it’s there. As much as I hate to admit it, least of all to myself, the men I fell in love with will influence who I fall in love with from here. I say that full well knowing how that sounds, but I am completely at peace with it. Here is the truth that I have found: We are a product of all our lived experiences. I am my loves, my heartbreaks, and everything in between. I am who I am today because of all of that. So, while I would like to sit here and act like I am not affected by the men I have dated, the truth is that I am. I can’t change any of it. All that I can do is to allow it to shape the kind of person I am looking for, and who I am, in turn. To let go of the bad, knowing that you deserve the good.

My heart hurts with the memories that come creeping back in, but I also have hope that, one day, I will find someone who makes this heart skip a beat again, but who will also take more care with my heart. I don’t know when I will find/have that again, but I have hope that, one day, I will. I know that I won’t settle for anything less; life is far too short to settle for anything less than love. I have been blessed to fall in love twice now, since my ex, and I hope the third time I fall, that it will be mutual. Here’s to holding out for that, and to never losing hope that it will happen.