G is for Great Expectations

Expectations. A simple Google search of the word brings up the following dictionary definition,

expectation, noun. plural noun: expectations.

“a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.”

Also, “a belief that someone will or should achieve something.”

We all know what it is to have them. It is a constant in our lives, even if we forget we have them. I unconsciously expect to wake up again the next morning every night when I fall asleep. I expect the sun to continue to rise and set, for gravity to remain a constant, for seasons to change, etc., etc. I think where I mentally turn to, however, when I use the word expectations is when we have them of other people. We are taught from a young age a social etiquette by which to follow, expecting certain prescribed behaviors in response from those we interact with. Some of it’s so basic it borders on the mundane. I believe we all know and refer to it as ‘manners’; saying hello back when greeted; smiling back when smiled at; reciprocal behavior that I think, for the most part, we all adhere to. I think it is definitely a shock when we do encounter someone who doesn’t meet these expectations for normal reciprocated behaviors. In psychology we refer to these rules as ‘social norms’, and it causes unease when we encounter people who break them.  

Up until now, all of these expectations I have been describing are completely normal and a part of everyday life. What I have been struggling with lately is when does having expectations become a bad thing? When does having expectations ultimately hurt you? I think, simply put, expectations can be bad when they are unrealistic—setting oneself up for failure, or, alternatively, when people fail to meet one’s expectations, ultimately leaving you feeling disappointed (not that the two are mutually exclusive). I personally struggle with both. I have felt so much heartache in the past by having had expectations of the ones I love. The feelings of hurt I have experienced when I feel I have fallen flat on my face with the expectations I had. It’s caused me to draw within myself, to try and gain understanding of what has happened, and to hopefully avoid feeling such intense hurt and loss in the future.

I don’t feel that having expectations, in and of themselves, is a bad thing. Not at all. I think it’s important to have them. It’s important, however, and necessary, to evaluate these expectations and to reassess if they are reasonable expectations to have of the people we hold them for.

I feel, just in writing this, a piece has fallen into place that wasn’t there before. I don’t feel that having expectations, in and of themselves, is a bad thing. Not at all. I think it’s important to have them. It’s important, however, and necessary, to evaluate these expectations and to reassess if they are reasonable expectations to have of the people we hold them for. Expecting people to live on pedestals, or to be perfect, for example, are both inappropriate expectations and will cause strain in the relationship. People are inherently human—imperfect and flawed, we change our minds, we lose our cool, and we don’t always know what the hell we really want. This means that we will all, eventually, let down and hurt the ones we love, even if we never intended or wanted to. Maturity is realizing this fact and finding the space for grace, both for our self and with others, when it happens. 

There are times, however, even when we have reasonable expectations, and we are still let down. How do we handle these instances? When we are blindsided and left disappointed and hurting. Lately, in my life, my gut reaction is to try and throw having expectations completely out the window (that will solve the problem, right?). Ha! I have to laugh at myself a little here. As easy and simple as that might sound, I have found it is impossible to not have expectations. We are unconsciously creating them all the time. In our daily interactions in life our brains are collecting data and analyzing it accordingly. We create habits from this data. Coffee tastes like “x” and makes me feel “y”, and if you’re anything like me, one continues to ingest this nectar from the gods in ungodly amounts accordingly. laughs But taking these same principles into relationships, when the other person doesn’t react or act according to how we anticipated them to, the brain stores that information too, and adjusts accordingly. It’s so natural and automatic we may not even realize we’re doing it. An easy example of this is opening up and sharing how you feel about someone. Your expectations, naturally, are that he/she will reciprocate your feelings and share that with you in turn. When our feelings aren’t reciprocated we are naturally hurt and our protective instincts kick in. We pull back, unless given other signals of encouragement. But if no encouragement is given, we learn to not share those feelings with this person because we know we won’t have them reciprocated. To put it ever so bluntly, it’s exactly like burning your hand on a hot pan; our brain’s instant reaction is to pull our hand away from the source of the pain. So, too, our brain reacts when we are hurt in other ways.

I often think people are less likely to talk about these kinds of hurts, the ones we can’t see, rather the ones we can, because too often we’d like to pretend they’re not there. It’s so easy to push it down than to have to acknowledge and address them. …I have been walking around with my own invisible wounds for such a long time. What I want, however, is to finally talk about it. To heal.

I often think people are less likely to talk about these kinds of hurts, the ones we can’t see, rather the ones we can, because too often we’d like to pretend they’re not there. It’s so easy to push it down than to have to acknowledge and address them. If our head was injured and bleeding we couldn’t ignore it, and yet how many of us are hurting on the inside and walking around like we’re completely fine? I’m not perfect, by any means; I have been walking around with my own invisible wounds for such a long time. What I want, however, is to finally talk about it. To heal. To fill my life with other human beings who are not afraid to talk about it; who not only encourage and lift up those around them, but who create a safe space for honest communication and real connection. I love the amazing human beings I have in my life with whom I am blessed to have this with.  

With all of that said...I am still a human being. I am hurting and I don’t always have the right answers. But here’s what I do know: I have an incredibly big heart, and when I love, I love hard and wholeheartedly. I have been let down, and it sucks, but this is also just temporary. Time, in both her mercy and her cruelty, does go on...and with it, this pain will dull. I will get stronger, and I will continue to learn. Life is not pass/fail, Sabrina...it is just life. It is meant to be lived, forwards, not backwards. So live! Here and now. Live, learn, and love. Always love.

Love,

Sabrina Michele