Learning how to say Goodbye
Letting go...of people, of memories...it has never been my strong suit. Ask any of my girlfriends, they will all tell you the same thing: I am too nice, too forgiving. I have a big heart, that too often I wear on my sleeve. It has always been one of my greatest downfalls in dating (even if I wouldn’t change it for the world, because I also know it’s one of my most beautiful qualities, too). Ultimately, it has meant that even when I “should” let someone go I cannot let them go, not completely. It’s almost a sad, sick trick my mind plays on me: now that you cannot be with this person, you are going to remember all of the best moments you had with them. That first moment you met, that first date, first kiss, and so many other small moments only the two of you shared; it’s like a never ending track I can’t get off of. I also have found it is my nature to always give people the benefit of the doubt, to think the best, to always see the best in people...and, sadly, not everyone deserves that, particularly the ones who have taken advantage of it. And yet, it is what has happened, where I have been, and what has led me here.
“I am learning how to say goodbye. Not necessarily because I want to, but because I know I have to. I know that I have to put me first now, and that it means letting go of these people—from my life, from my thoughts. …It may not be overnight, but a day at a time, I am giving myself back to me…”
I am learning how to say goodbye. Not necessarily because I want to, but because I know I have to. I know that I have to put me first now, and that it means letting go of these people—from my life, from my thoughts. More often than not, they don’t deserve the mental real estate I have been giving them. It may not be overnight, but a day at a time, I am giving myself back to me, if you will. I feel, somehow, I have been giving pieces of myself away to the people I have cared for, but...I have nothing being returned, which isn’t fair or right. I am so very tired of these non-reciprocal relationships in my life, so I am learning to let them go. Even when it hurts. I know I am doing so as an act of love, to myself, and because I know...I know, I deserve better.
I wish I could say this post was a product of much needed self-reflection, but, like most things in life, it was forced upon me suddenly, without notice or preamble. I was recently forced to say goodbye to someone, someone who shall remain nameless, but, suffice it to say, someone who I cared for deeply, but who has, time and time again, come into my life to bring only hurt in his wake. He is someone who, despite everything, I couldn’t completely cut out of my life, my thoughts; someone I still, still tried to see the best in.
I should pause here to say that, within these pages, the men I date shall always remain nameless. If they do read my posts, they will know who I am talking about, but I will never reveal their identities. But...here is the thing: If you date me, you do so full well accepting the risk that you might appear here, within these pages. I will make no apologies for it, nor will I necessarily filter. Here is what I will promise: I will speak only the truth. I will call a spade a spade. And I will only bring someone into these pages if there is a particularly good reason or I feel strongly that I should.
With that said, I feel strongly about this person. I feel, finally, after some time has passed now that I can speak about what happened. I want to speak to it because I want to be real about my struggles I have faced in dating, but also because I feel I need to put this goodbye in permanent ink. The amount of hurt and heartache this person has caused me is second only to my ex-husband. I met him two and a half years ago...and the connection we had, well, it was nothing quite like either of us had ever experienced, and the kind that neither of us could ever quite let go of. I fell hard, so hard, for him; it was the first time that I had fallen in love with someone after my ex. He didn’t. My heart broke that first time. But it didn’t stop him from still coming back into my life...to get my hopes up, to bring me to a hundred, to then crash back down to zero when he would, inevitably, perform his disappearing act. He is, by far, the most selfish and heartless human being I have ever dated. I believed the lies and the apologies, somehow still believing, deep down, that he was a good person. After this last time, he has removed all doubt; I now know he is not a good person. He is a coward. He is a liar. And, above all else, he is someone I would never want to be with. deep breath
I suppose I should start at the beginning. He recently reached out to me to apologize, for everything, and for all the ways he has hurt me, which floored me. I never expected to hear from him again (not after the, I believe, third time he had blocked my number), let alone this: an apology. And, surprisingly, it seemed sincere, without motive or self-serving intentions. So I responded. We talked a bit, and then he told me he was moving away. So many emotions, but we both acknowledged that him moving was probably for the best. To both our surprise, I suggested seeing each other again one last time before he left; a final goodbye of sorts; a chance to catch up, but also a chance to let the other go, once and for all. We both agreed to have dinner together, and we both talked about how much we were looking forward to it; even with the anticipation of seeing him again, however, I purposefully kept my expectations low, knowing full well what it feels like to get my hopes up by this man to only have them dashed moments later. Knowing it would be the last time I would see him, should see him, I even wrote a well thought out and meaningful goodbye letter to him. I wrote it because I don’t ever want to leave anything left unsaid, and because, even after everything, I couldn’t not care about this individual.
So, for better or worse, I was forced to say goodbye this time. While I know I needed to, I wish it didn’t have to be like this. A hurtful goodbye, leaving me full of only anger and hatred...and for a man I used to love. The heart should never have to feel this kind of hurt.
I never got a chance to give it to him...the dinner never happened. He left, again, and much in the same way as he always comes back in: without notice or an explanation as to why. He just left; and he did so hurtfully, by blocking my number once again, which was cruel and cowardly. Even in keeping my expectations low, his actions hurt me, all over again. I still can’t get over how he would apologize, to turn around and hurt me all over again in less than a weeks’ time. So, for better or worse, I was forced to say goodbye this time. While I know I needed to, I wish it didn’t have to be like this. A hurtful goodbye, leaving me full of only anger and hatred...and for a man I used to love. The heart should never have to feel this kind of hurt.
So I’m taking a moment now to speak to all of it, and writing this goodbye here, in permanent ink. I actually wrote a second goodbye letter that night, the night we were supposed to meet; this one not as gracious as the first, but saying all the things I needed to, if not for him, for me, as he will never read either letter. That bridge has been effectively burned to ash, and I will never speak to him again. I am done. I refuse to waste any more time on him; I now see he never deserved it. It doesn’t mean this goodbye doesn’t hurt any less, though. I almost said, earlier, that I could be dispassionate in talking about it, but that would have been a lie. There are, still, such strong emotions; I loved him; of course it’s still emotional for me. But now I can heal. I am glad for the small mercies, like the fact that I will no longer have to worry about seeing him...on the street, at my favorite coffee shop...I will no longer feel him haunting me here. Now I can try to heal.
No, I definitely wasn’t expecting to be quite so open, so vulnerable about this...but I feel I can be, here on these pages. I wanted to be real, to share; I think, for a long time, my love life has been a big question mark for many these past three years. The truth is that I am learning how to navigate this—how to navigate dating while writing (hell, I’m still learning how to navigate just dating laughs). I’m learning how to share the bits I think might be helpful, while also writing what I need to, for me. This post has definitely been a bit of both. I still have no regrets. I know I have been doing the best I could, and that I left nothing unsaid. I am proud of that. I fell in love because I thought I had found someone worth falling for. Sometimes, cruelly, life has other intentions. Sometimes the person you fall for falls for someone else. It doesn’t mean it was a mistake...it means it just wasn’t meant to be, at least not how you had imagined it would be.
I move forward knowing I have an incredibly big heart, capable of so much love, and knowing I deserve someone absolutely amazing. Someone who will love everything I am, and everything I bring. The “adorably awkward,” at times nerdy, beautiful, smart, strong-willed, and soft-hearted self I am proud to call me. I say goodbye to the ones I need to now who didn’t see it, who may never see it, and who ultimately don’t deserve it. I will end this post with the words I actually wrote to myself a few weeks ago, which seem to fit here perfectly now. Sabrina, know that you are enough, and you are so loved.
“I think that’s why it’s hurting again lately...because it was real for me, and it wasn’t for him. It will never be for him. Maybe one day I will have it again. For now, I think I need to let this heart heal...and figure out a way to let my heart heal...and figure out a way to let go of [him]. Unrequited love. Is there a manual for falling out of love? I know, rhetorical question. I am proud of me, though, through all of this...my heart found a way to fall in love again. You will be okay, fragile one...you are learning how to love again, even when you don’t receive it in return. You will meet him someday...and then you will see. Until then, guard that big beautiful heart of yours. Wrap strong arms around it, and love the hell out of it.
Learn to love you again...because when you love you, you will find that you have all that you will ever need in this life. This, I promise you.”
Love always,
Sabrina Michele