Diary: Paris
One year ago today I was on a plane headed to Paris. I had just come back from another trip. One day separating such vastly different men and different experiences. To succinctly put it, one man I was hoping to fall in love with, and another who was falling in love with me. I have wanted to find the right words to talk about it, and I have a lot I’ve already written about this week, this entire year, but with time I’ve found it gets harder and harder to share them. I experienced so much heartache and pain that week—hell, that year. I will eventually share what I initially wrote, but for tonight, I wanted to share something small. Tonight, in thinking about that week, one year ago, and all the emotions around heart break, I have been thinking a lot about sparks: how something as small and inexplicable as “that spark,” can determine if the man (or woman) you’re interested in is interested in you back. I’ve been thinking about it a lot more lately as I’ve had the time and space outside of any romantic attachments to really objectively look at all of my past experiences—where things went right and (more often) went wrong.
I, as many of you know, am a very passionate person, which is probably one of my greatest strengths, but also one of my weaknesses. It’s hard for me to not take things personally. Not getting the job, not being included or invited to something...and one of the hardest things I’ve had to get comfortable with: NOT having the spark reciprocated, NOT having someone want you back. I’ve definitely found a greater peace this year around it, as I have, admittedly, given up on dating, at least for the foreseeable future. As hard as that has been, being someone who wants to have love and a relationship again, it has been a place I think I have needed to get to.
So, tonight we’re thinking about sparks. And even though this year hasn’t been one where I have felt any, I’m hopeful that, one day, I will again. Until then, dreaming of future trips like this one...in a world free of COVID. Here’s to still having dreams, to holding on when life and the year are, frankly, just SHIT, to finding joy, finding healing, and learning to love me fiercely, just as I am.