Coming Back Up for Air
“…the reason is because I didn’t know how to. All I knew how to do was feel—all the raw emotions, hoping that at one point it would stop or I would have someone (new) to help me forget the hurt and pain the last person caused me. I think it’s only now, in the absence of chaos and distractions, that I’ve been forced to face it: the grieving of a relationship. And processing all of it—the good, the bad, what you need to take away from it, and what you need to truly, finally, let that person go, for good.”
The “In-between” Space
“All that said, this is still hard. And it takes a toll as I am, “wired for belonging and connection,” to quote Brené Brown. I still long for connection and love, so I am grieving someone, or the “what could have been” with this person. And as small as that is in the grand scheme, it feels like the moment I needed to finally share some of the things that have been weighing on my heart lately. “
Diary: In the midst of COVID, there is still this
"It’s been five years. Five years since my ex-husband told me it was over and that he was leaving (for someone else).
I sometimes forget this story is new to some; I am personally so tired of this story that I forget that many don’t know it. I find this weekend is always a painful reminder of that story, but it’s also been a painful reminder of so many other endings since."
Love is a Four-Letter Word
"Somehow, in loving me, I found that I could love again. I hope that someday, when the timing is right, I will meet someone who is ready, and who’s heart is open to receive this love; but, until then, I am happy and content knowing that I have found everything I need, right here."
Learning how to say Goodbye
“I am learning how to say goodbye. Not necessarily because I want to, but because I know I have to. I know that I have to put me first now, and that it means letting go of these people—from my life, from my thoughts. …It may not be overnight, but a day at a time, I am giving myself back to me…”
G is for Great Expectations
"Up until now, all of these expectations I have been describing are completely normal and a part of everyday life. What I have been struggling with lately is when does having expectations become a bad thing? When does having expectations ultimately hurt you?"
Owning Our Stories
"When I read that yesterday, I knew...I knew that I had to live with the words I had written. I wrote them, I meant them, and I published them to tell my story; even as painful as that was, I needed to do just that. …I am here, and I am ready to own this story. And not just the good parts, but the whole thing.”
B is for Birthdays
"Birthdays were my favorite growing up. Right in the middle of the summer, I remember feeling lucky; I never had to go to school on my birthday, and since summer was my favorite season, I loved that my birthday fell when it did. I suppose we all have fond memories of summer break growing up, but I remember my birthday being particularly special. I know that’s one of the reasons why I have kept a fondness for my birthday, all these years later, when it seems so many of my generation would prefer to have little to no fanfare, or wish they could skip the whole birthday bit entirely. Not me. grins I know, for me, birthdays will always be a big deal."
E is for Erasers
"I think it’s important to recognize that erasers aren’t perfect. Even the fancy kind I had in the fifth grade. There were always remnants left behind—faint, but the marks were still there if you looked closely. No amount of erasing could remove it all completely (believe me, I tried). I believe it’s the same exact concept with erasing people and relationships. I don’t care if you’re writing in pencil or in pen, there are going to be marks left behind."
F is for Falling
“The guy is supposed to get the girl. There may or not be a chase, but both of you know when you’re ready to stop running. …Your heart catches in your throat, and you stop seeing anyone else...because you only have eyes for them. You allow yourself to fall, because you feel absolutely sure in your heart...sure that you’ve found that person.”
G is for Getting Comfortable Being Alone
"I say it’s hard writing about this because, the truth is—I struggle. I struggle with knowing I am making the right decisions. I struggle with relationships and dating. I struggle with letting people go. And I seriously struggle with being alone, just me. No boyfriend, no potentials, no one I’m even talking to, nada. So this post is about a current struggle for me. G is for “Getting comfortable being alone.”"
H is for Hurt
“Hurt. Heartbreak. Heal. I wish it were that easy. As easy as taking a misstep and falling down; granted, it hurts (sometimes like hell), but you can get back up, brush yourself off, and move on. Sometimes, when it comes to matters of the heart, however, it’s just not that easy. It may be that simple, but it is never seemingly that simple or ever easy. At least not for me…”