B is for Birthdays

Birthdays were my favorite growing up. Right in the middle of the summer, I remember feeling lucky; I never had to go to school on my birthday, and since summer was my favorite season, I loved that my birthday fell when it did. I suppose we all have fond memories of summer break growing up, but I remember my birthday being particularly special. I know that’s one of the reasons why I have kept a fondness for my birthday, all these years later, when it seems so many of my generation would prefer to have little to no fanfare, or wish they could skip the whole birthday bit entirely. Not me. grins I know, for me, birthdays will always be a big deal.

This next part is hard for me to share, but I want to be completely candid about why I think birthdays meant so much to me growing up. I know that my parents did their best in raising me and my brothers and sister, but that doesn’t change the fact that for most of my childhood I hated them. I don’t say that lightly; I know how it sounds, but for me, that is the truth. There was so much hurt that I endured as a child, and when it came to my family life, I came home to a place where I felt mostly alone and misunderstood. I think my personality was a lot for my parents to handle. For those of you who know me, you know I have a pretty big personality; imagine that but with no filter: I was outspoken, strong-willed, and more mature than most of the kids my age. My fourth grade teacher said I was, “born old” (and no, I’m not kidding). I remember always wanting to know the reasons for being told “No,” or just to have my parents explain things to me, but I was always shut down. I think, for my parents, it was just easier if I was quiet, so I grew up feeing like the nail that must be hammered down. My solace and safe places were when I was at my Aunt and Uncle’s house or with other family, with my friends at their homes, in my room, or spent in the company of the amazing mentors I had in my life. I’m so incredibly grateful to each of them, still, to this day; I was able to turn to them for the emotional support and listening ear I so desperately craved and needed growing up. I definitely think I wouldn’t be who I am today had I not had them in my life.

Part of the reason I loved my birthday so much is because I felt it was the one day out of the entire year that my parents did it “right.” I got to have a party, one that I could invite all of my friends over to, and of course all of the aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents I grew up with would be there as well. You see, that was the only day my parents allowed me to invite friends over. I don’t understand it (even to this day), why they would allow me to go to a friend’s house, but not the other way around. For the extremely extraverted girl that I was, it was so hard on me. Imagine having to try to explain to a friend in fifth or sixth grade that you would love to go over to their house, but they couldn’t come over to yours. There was a lot of hurt and pain towards my parents for this, and I think, even now, their actions have affected how I create friendships and trying to have appropriate expectations of them. It’s hard for me, even now after all this time, thinking about it and sharing it with you here.

I want to share all of this because I think it’s important to understand why birthdays matter so much to me. So, once a year, for a day, I got to have my friends over, with all the trimmings birthdays bring: the cake, candles, presents, and singing. No one yelling at me, everyone happy, and for a moment, I was happy. So I don’t dread birthdays (at least I didn’t for the longest time)—to me they are amazing...a celebration of all that is good in life, and a celebration of the person having one.

In looking back…I am acutely aware now just how much hurt I sustained in all that time. Hurt and fear of the ones who were supposed to protect me, care for me, seems to be the common thread between them. I know it’s having lived through this that has made me the incredibly strong, independent, beautiful, and resilient woman I am today, but it doesn’t change the fact that I had to live through that for the first 30 years of my life, and I shouldn’t have had to.

Fast forward to being an adult (yes, I’m finally ready to call myself that), and birthdays when I was married to my ex. I haven’t stopped wanting parties, or something special, even now. I have to credit my ex with always doing his best to make them as special as he could. We both had similar family dynamics growing up and we both worked through so much of those hurts early on in our marriage. So he completely got why birthdays were my favorite. I must give credit were credit is due, my ex threw me some of the best birthdays when we were together. There was a trip to the Yuba river with friends one year, the adult slip and slide party another, a surprise trip to Mendocino county, and a vacation to Cancun, Mexico for my 30th. With that said, in the last few years we were together, things were getting progressively worse between us. My ex came to resent occasions where he had to do something for me, i.e., my birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day. He told me, in the end, that he dreaded them because, “he had to do something nice for me.” I can’t begin to describe how deeply that hurt me.

In looking back over my life, I have visually segmented it into my life before my ex, with my ex, and post my ex. In looking back on these first two phases, I am acutely aware now just how much hurt I sustained in all that time. Hurt and fear of the ones who were supposed to protect me, care for me, seems to be the common thread between them. I know it’s having lived through this that has made me the incredibly strong, independent, beautiful, and resilient woman I am today, but it doesn’t change the fact that I had to live through that for the first 30 years of my life, and I shouldn’t have had to. I can’t go back and change what’s already happened, but I can change what happens now. As hard as it’s been opening up like this, I am really glad that I did. When I created this blog I did so with the intention of not just writing about love and relationships, but on life as well, in all of its beautiful and messy facets. I don’t think it gets any more real than sharing about one’s childhood hurts and how it’s shaped your life. I am honestly really glad I chose to open up about this because I feel that in writing and sharing this with you, it has also been incredibly cathartic for me. An opportunity to open up not only to you, but also to myself; to uncover old wounds and heartaches I had buried down so long ago.

So, why am I talking so much about birthdays? With my birthday right around the corner, less than a week away now, I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about this year’s birthday, and how incredibly different this year feels in comparison to the last three, since my ex left. I never dreaded my birthday, that is, not until my ex left me. Suddenly the bottom of my world, as I had known it, had fallen through and I didn’t know which way was up. I am still eternally grateful to the friends who rescued me that first year—less than a month after my ex had left, they invited me along on their trip to Alaska for the week leading up to my birthday. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to manage it in my now single income household, but the incredibly generous friends that they are, they removed that obstacle for me and I wholeheartedly, and gratefully, said yes to a once in a lifetime trip to Alaska. It was exactly what I needed in that moment of my life. I needed to get away and, while not exactly getting out of the country, it was practically another world away. I had an amazing time and I know that being there for that week, for my birthday, was exactly where I was supposed to be and what I needed in that moment of my life. With that said, every birthday since my ex left has felt overshadowed by him, or rather, the lack of him, in my life. I have struggled with feelings that no one was going to do anything now, that I had to plan something, or nothing would ever happen...I seriously struggled with feelings of self worth: No one cares, no one will come, no one would want to do that, etc., etc. A slew of self-defeating, negative thoughts filling my head that I have fought to stop having for a very long time. Here is the truth: I have amazing friends, I am loved, and I have people in my life who care and who want to be there for me. Period. End of story. Life is exactly what you make it and I’m done making mine a negative, self-limiting, self-pitying story where I set myself up to be disappointed. It’s taken a lot of practice, but I’m proud to say those thoughts are much less frequent, and even when they do come, their power over me is gone, overshadowed by all the truths I know and hold dear.

This year, this birthday, feels different. I am hopeful and excited for it, which feels, honestly, so damn good! I have dreaded the last two because of my limiting, negative thoughts, and this year they are gone. I think, in part, it is because I have taken the time to let go of the people who weren’t serving me anymore. In letting it all go, I feel that I have gained so much. I feel an emotional and physical peace; one that I have no intention of sacrificing. I have spent so many birthdays waiting to see who would text, who wouldn’t, who “actually cares.” This year I find that I’m finally letting go of all that. Letting go of the expectations around others, of what they will or won’t do, and just being okay with whatever happens. This year, for my birthday, I am celebrating me. I don’t need a relationship, I don’t need a boyfriend, or even another person, for that matter, in order to do that. I recently had this epiphany in the days leading up to my birthday, and, honestly, it feels so damn good! Not that I don’t want those things, but I don’t need them. I know I have come so far in these past few weeks, and I’m so incredibly happy (and proud) to feel this way now.

In thinking about birthdays, and in all those wishes we make as children when we blow out our candles, a memory comes back of what I almost always wished for: I wished for more of this...for things to get better...and to be happier. I think, in so many ways, I am finally seeing that wish come true. I know that this year, whether there are candles or not, I will be wishing the same, and I know that I have everything I need within me to truly make it happen.

All my love,

Sabrina Michele