E is for Erasers
Do you remember erasers? As in pencil, paper, and an actual separate eraser you had when you made a mistake, to wipe the page clean? Well, I know I may be showing my age a little, but I remember having one growing up. My fifth grade teacher introduced me to this fancy kind, one actually meant for art students, which was this small white rectangle. You’re probably used to thinking of erasers as the one on the end of your No. 2 pencil (or mechanical pencil, if you were all fancy like that). I must tell you, though, once you’ve gone to a fancy eraser, you can never go back (Ha! I seriously digress here). I’m telling you this because I have to confess that I absolutely loved using that eraser. An entire page full of writing a moment before, and the simple pleasure of wiping it all clean, with only those lovely little rubber shavings left over to wipe or blow away. And the fancy eraser? You could barely see any trace of what was there before. Maybe a subtle hint—faint, but almost good as new. (I promise you this post is no way endorsed by an eraser company. Laughs)
I was reminded recently of my affinity for erasers as I found myself erasing all digital traces of my ex-husband, specifically as it relates to Facebook. I had taken the time to hide a lot of pictures/posts/etc. immediately after we split, but it was too much in that moment to go through, and I didn’t know if I wanted to delete it all (at least not right then). Fast forward to three years later. I recently found out that I didn’t do as good of a job as I had thought with hiding him. internal groan So, I recently just got to the point where I went on a deleting spree. Entire photo albums gone with just a few digital clicks. And just like that, he was gone. Like my very own digital eraser, wiping away any trace of him, well, at least from this social medium. To be honest, it felt good. I was ready to do it.
I think, in retrospect, it’s so important to acknowledge that everyone has their own journey, their own timing, that they have to go through in the process of moving on from an ex. I have been apart from Tom, my ex, for three years, but our divorce didn’t actually finalize ‘til this last April, to be completely transparent. That was for a variety of reasons, none of which were because either one of us wanted to hold on; we both have wanted this, and we both have moved on since. But, in the actual final act of receiving that piece of paper that makes it official, that gives me back my sense of independence, along with my former name, it has come with this new final feeling of closure. It’s funny how you don’t even realize you have something missing...’til you get it.
With that final door closed, I do feel like I can erase Tom from my life. When I say that, I’m not coming from a place of spite, hurt, or anger; neither one of us has any of those feelings left towards each other. I say erase him, because he truthfully has no place in my present. We don’t have kids together, either, so there isn’t that element to take into consideration. I simply don’t need to have him there anymore. Just like when I was younger, erasing the page clean, I feel that I am doing the same thing now. I wanted to share because I do think it’s absolutely a healthy part of this process: moving on, letting go, becoming whole again. I don’t think anyone else can make that call for you (or should, either); but when you are ready to, you will. Just know it’s okay if you’re not there yet. We all have to figure out what that looks like on our own.
In all of this, for those of you in a similar situation looking to remove someone, know that it most definitely isn’t going to be easy...if he/she meant something to you, letting them go won’t be (dare I say, shouldn’t be) easy for you. But with that said, if that relationship isn’t good, healthy, or simply doesn’t serve you (or them) anymore, it is for the best that you are letting them go. You get to put you first. You don’t owe them anything.
In the past month I have thought a lot about erasers and what that also looks like in dating. We live in a digital age of dating: dating apps, texting, social media, etc. Because the likelihood is strong to meet someone that way, or, at the very least, to connect with them afterwards on some digital platform, it makes it increasingly hard to remove them entirely from your life. I will be the first to admit that letting go of someone I cared about is one of the hardest things for me to do. I care, a lot. I can’t just shut that off overnight. With that said, there are times when you need to. Because if seeing that person’s name in your contacts, or in your social media feed, serves as a painful reminder, or makes it tempting to reach out to him/her, particularly when you know doing so won’t serve you, then it’s probably best to remove the temptation entirely. Erasing them from your life, basically.
I have a few people like that who I’ve met over the past three years. I share this not because I’ve found the “perfect recipe” for erasing men from my life, but because it’s something I struggle with, and it’s something I want to be real about. With that said, I have found myself to be growing, particularly in these past few weeks. To identify when still having someone in my life isn’t healthy, and to find the strength to remove them when I know I need to. I am not perfect, and I’m never going to bullshit you and act like I am or that I’ve got it all figured out. But I will always be real and honest with you about my journey in the hope that, maybe, just maybe, some of it helps you along the way. In all of this, for those of you in a similar situation looking to remove someone, know that it most definitely isn’t going to be easy...if he/she meant something to you, letting them go won’t be (dare I say, shouldn’t be) easy for you. But with that said, if that relationship isn’t good, healthy, or simply doesn’t serve you (or them) anymore, it is for the best that you are letting them go. You get to put you first. You don’t owe them anything. Not your time, not your energy, not your emotions.
Yes, you can erase, but all relationships leave their own indelible mark.
I have spent more time than I’d like to admit in the past three years giving of my time and emotions to people who gladly take it, but give me little to nothing in return. Relationships, whether they’re conventional, unconventional, open, or complicated, have to be give and take. If that relationship isn’t working anymore, it’s okay to let them go (and I would strongly encourage you to do just that). But I also get that you have to come to that conclusion for yourself. No one else can make the hard decisions for you. Just know that you deserve someone who makes time for you, who makes you a priority (not an option), and who doesn’t just take, but also gives in return. You deserve the best. Know it and believe it; stop settling for less in your life. I know it’s hard, but I also know that by letting go of it, you are opening yourself up to something good to come into your life. It is by letting go, and being open to the good, that it will come. And it will...
I have found myself letting go of the past lately and trusting that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. Here’s what I believe:
Don’t be afraid to live, to take risks, to do something different than you may have before. Keep living your best life and being open to amazing new things.
I am still learning, and still growing...I haven’t arrived, by any means, but I’d like to think it’s what makes me human, and, hopefully, what makes my story relatable. And if you can relate, just know that I get it. Here’s to lifting each other up as we make the hard decisions in life and being there for each other when we have weak moments.
With all of this talk of erasing, I think it’s important to recognize that erasers aren’t perfect. Even the fancy kind I had in the fifth grade. There were always remnants left behind—faint, but the marks were still there if you looked closely. No amount of erasing could remove it all completely (believe me, I tried). I believe it’s the same exact concept with erasing people and relationships. I don’t care if you’re writing in pencil or in pen, there are going to be marks left behind. You don’t get to just rip out the pages; that’s not the way it works. Yes, you can erase, but all relationships leave their own indelible mark. I never understood it, ‘til later in life, what the concept of “baggage” truly meant. I get it now. It’s not having an ex-wife/husband, or how many kids you have, or even how many people you’ve slept with. I believe “baggage” refers to the scars you have left behind from your previous relationships; your hurts, your triggers, your altered lens that you now see the world (and people) through.
In taking a step away from writing this post, I had the opportunity to speak with a friend about what it was that I was writing about. I’m really glad that I took the time to speak to him because I was finding myself going to a really negative mental place after thinking about some of the “baggage” I feel I now carry from the men who have hurt me these past three years. He said something regarding the marks left behind that really stood out to me; he said that it’s important to be aware of how I’m framing that. I found I had been viewing all of the things that have happened to me like black marks on my record; a blight on my character that left me feeling ashamed and tarnished. He reminded me that I had lived through all of those things; that I wouldn’t be the strong, beautiful person I am today without having gone through them. That it had left me with an even bigger heart with an even fuller understanding and greater capacity for love. His words were inspiring and exactly what I had needed to hear as I found myself struggling.
The morning I finished writing this post, I came across a quote that was so perfect in relation to all of this that I felt I had to include it here as well. From one of the authors I follow on Instagram came a post with these words:
“You aren’t what’s happened to you, you are how you’ve overcome it.”
Simple, but so powerful to me. In the text below, he continued on to write:
“You are not the pain they inflicted or the scars that they left. You are not your darker days or your broken trust. You are your courage. You are your strength. You are your survival. Never forget it.”
As I have found the courage in the past few weeks to rip off the band-aids and remove certain people from my life completely, it has come with hurt, loss, and some tears...but I found the strength to do it. I am so incredibly grateful for the friends I have in my life right now; they have been my support system through all of this, and I know for that I am truly blessed. It hasn’t been easy, but I do feel a peace in my life with the final acts of letting go. I don’t know what happens next from here, but just as I close all of my journal entries each week, I close this post the same—ever hopeful of what life has to bring.
All my love,
Sabrina Michele